Dear Blue Ivy,
I can’t imagine the feelings that might torment you in the future every time you have to re-watch your parents get…close…at the Grammy’s. Actually, I can imagine. It’s going to be a combination of nausea, disgust, burning eyes, and revulsion after seeing a reenactment of your own conception. When your friends show you on YouTube in a few years, you explain to them that your mom was, at one point, a super classy role model for the world. In fact, she placed in the top 3 of My Favorite Women I Don’t Actually Know, and that’s a very competitive list.
Don’t suppress any anger or negative feelings after listening your mom’s recent song lyrics. It will resurface later in elementary school in the form of aggression during a game of Red Rover, and you’ll break a classmate’s arm. A law suit will be inevitable. Instead, go directly to the source, and ask your mom why she suddenly had an alter ego mix up. Question how she confused Sasha Fierce for Sasha, the cheap, leftover-90’s-permed hooker who smells like greasy chicken from working at KFC all day.
If your vision is unimpaired after three seconds of watching your thong-clad mom trying to seduce America, you’ll also realize that The Simpsons possibly influenced your mom’s geometric hair. Is that wet looking, triangle shape too high fashion for me to comprehend, or is that the transformation your hair takes when you are drunk in love during onstage severe weather?
I’m sure she has a good answer, because Beyonce couldn’t possibly just turn skanky out of nowhere…ESPECIALLY after becoming a mom. It would be expected and acceptable for “Partition” to be included on a Rihanna album. It would be expected and unacceptable-ish (but customary) to have Miley be all self -touchy on stage. But…BEYONCE!? I may not be able to watch awards shows unedited with my family in the future, but I still want to (need to) be able to listen to Beyonce while driving with kids. Or in-laws. Excuse me if my mama pitbull is coming out, but I’m trying to raise a son here.
Disappointed but Still Pulling for Your Mama,
PS. Blue Ivy, don’t get caught up in Hollywood and compare yourself to your friend North West. Just because her mom cut it out with the, hehehe, tapes, doesn’t mean she isn’t embarrassing her future posterity via social media. Plus, North West’s gene pool is more of a plastic surgeon’s show room than actual genetics. You’ll have a much less expensive form of beauty.