Mom-Swimsuit Apocalypse

Do you know what time it is?
Do you KNOW what time it is?

Beach time. (I wish it were beach time in Cancun, again.)
Beach time. (I wish it were beach time in Cancun, again.)

And you know what that means. No more eating a half dozen Krispy Kremes when the hot light is on, hiding in your car or otherwise.

That’s because pretty soon, this beach will be swarming with bikinis: moms, teens, tech support specialists, all in bikinis.

Like I’ve stated previously, I’m unsure of how to find mom-appropriate swimwear for less than $150 that still says, “Hey, I have a baby but I can still get all Solange Knowles! That’s right, I know what that means!”

One of the stores I cyber-window shop often came to mind the other night, but when I stopped by the website to look for beach wear, this was on the page.

A sign my elderly self shouldn't be shopping here.
A sign my elderly self shouldn’t be shopping here.

But. I had to know. I found myself stumped by question #10, and although I questioned it’s applicability to finding my hip hop hottie, I was determined to see if it was Drake. I’ve always been pretty sure it’s Drake.
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Like anyone even knows who Iyaz is. Now I feel extra old.

AND, hello? I already said in question #9 that wearing glasses inside was a deal breaker!

I lost momentum on my search after that. All I know now is that I have been shopping at the same websites as 15 year olds, and Brian lets me eat In N Out…in bed…before falling asleep and dreaming of looking like Alessandra. Which is sadder? You decide.

Best husband ever. He served me a burger in bed. Bless you, Brian.  PS I only ate one.
Best husband ever. He served me a burger in bed. Bless you, Brian.
PS I only ate one.

The quest continues.

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4 Comments

  1. hahaha I LOVE this post. I completely agree I will eat healthy all day long at work and I come home to find a freaking box of cookies on the counter. Really?! And of course I’m tot starving and the thought of eating a cupful of broccoli is just not going to cut it. How do these fitness girls do it all the time?!!

  2. I just went and took the quiz. I didn’t know what a lot of the answers even were. I ended up with Jason Derulo. I don’t even know if that should be a bad thing or not! I hate getting old (even though I do actually know Jason Derulo and some of his music)

    1. Did you answer yes to having lipstick stamps on your passport?
      Since he already has a woman, you need a re-do. I’m glad you could benefit from my immature shopping distractions! 🙂

  3. How can I possibly relate???At this age???
    Yes, I hide the candy wrappers in my drawers but invariably your
    grandpa finds one dropped on the floor. I think, that is his mission each morning. Could the rolls around my tummy give him a hint that those carrot sticks at lunch are just a distraction?

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