A Dissection of the Drawn on Eyebrow Using the 5 W Method

Let me clarify: there is a difference, a big, big difference, between filling in eyebrows and DRAWING them on. Our pleather-clad female society has lost a little dignity as the latter has become more prevalent. As a former New Mexican citizen, I am concerned. I have a deeply rooted, psychological aversion to all things gangster chola, and…ahem…

January is probably Bad Eyebrow Awareness Month, anyway.

WHO? Crazy brows don’t discriminate against any one group and can be found across the whole ladies room, regardless of age, ethnicity, or number of Facebook friends. Anyone from the Burger King Whopper wrapper to the high school “OMG you’re literally perfect, literally! (teary emoji)” Instagram commenter can fall victim.

WHAT? This. Just…this.

In case you were still confused, this one’s more detailed.

WHEN? About 30 minutes before leaving the house*. A little extra time must be allotted to ensure both brows are even, or unnoticeably uneven. Make sure you begin this project after your contacts are in for optimal vision. As this is a freehand art endeavor, each day is a risk. A gamble. A roll of the dice on your reputation.

*The “when” factor isn’t specific to just mornings, as touch ups will be necessary in high heat. You’ll also want to re-trace with a heavy hand just before you go out for the night so they won’t be downplayed by your flash in selfies.

WHERE? Preferably your own bathroom, but the fluorescent  lighting in the 7/11 bathroom will work if necessary.

HOW? A sharpie or an angled paint brush tipped in tar, I think. Define the lines using a q-tip, more foundation, or just press harder so any smudges are less noticeable. Lighting is key when applying pressure to the pencil/pen/Sharpie. Over the age of 50 should press hard, really hard, and give those brows ample dry time. Don’t let those brows get lost or smudge in forehead wrinkles. Alternatively, just don’t move your forehead. Ever.

At my Albuquerque middle school in the 90s, the girls would slick what was left of their own brows back with a glue stick, put foundation on top, and then use the marker method. This observation later gave me a running start to excelling beyond anyone’s wildest DREAMS in my cosmetology school’s costume makeup unit! Boo-yah.

WHY? I don’t know how we could blame Obama for this one, so I’ll let you come to your own conclusion.

The following may be some exaggerations, but not by much. Sadly, I was unable to find the “tadpole” brow method, so picture that in your mind…


The parenthesis.  (via pinterest.com)
The parenthesis.
(via pinterest.com)


The quick whisp. (via juliasmath.com)
The ever common  quick whisp.
(via juliasmath.com)
The unibrow, a classic. (via borispoker.com)
The unibrow. A facial hair classic.
(via borispoker.com)
If you ARE going to do some serious art, make it count. via dagmartully.wordpress.com (via dagmartully.wordpress.com)
Me-ow. If you ARE going to do some serious art, make it count.
(via dagmartully.wordpress.com)


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  1. To be fair, the video was REQUESTED! So.. Basically it’s a best seller already.

    You are hilarious and I am so happy to see you blogging more

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