Let’s say you go into go in for plastic surgery to get your neck liposuction and fat injections in your nasolabial folds, and you’ve been pumped about it ever since you saw Heidi Montag on E!, pre-bankruptcy and regret. As you’re prepping for anesthesia, the assistant comes in holding an upside down scalpel, and informs you he will be doing the surgery instead, because everyone tells him, “You just have to jump in and then you’ll get the hang of it eventually!” Then, he laughs and turns on the Nicki Minaj Pandora station.
Now, pay attention to this feeling you’re getting, because it may be the same disbelief/slight panic my son feels everyday. As a new mom, I’m kind of an intern to parenting. I love it, love, love, love it. I have no idea what I’m doing, but I did I mention? I love it. Some days I am extra confident and think, “Hey! I am a quick diaper changer! My baby napped for 3 hours! He didn’t spit out his medication!” and then something new happens. There’s sickness, refusal to close his eyes, or an explosion of yellow poo because I ate a whole pan of brownies (again, ugh). As a mom, I’m the ultimate student who, at all costs, avoids letting my son know he is the teacher.
Maybe I really will have the hang of this by the next child.
Anyway, this is a photo of my kitchen floor. That little smudge is face oil, so that alone is sad, but it’s also a reminder of lying on the ground with my eyes closed trying to let my normally giggly baby fuss in his room alone. He had been whiny for two full days, and my arms were going to snap off from holding him. I just couldn’t make it up the stairs one more time…or even to a carpeted area. So, I hung out on the kitchen floor staring at the pantry door, dreaming it was the door to a sauna, or to the Costco food court kitchen. Maybe a hybrid…but would the hot dog buns get soggy in the sauna?
Brian came home from work and relieved me from my baby holding duties. He came downstairs with Gus, and said, “Look! He found his ear!” Gus was hanging onto his ear with sweet baby fingers. SO CUTE, right? We laughed, loving that he had an ear obsession, and took some pictures. Gus did this in conjunction with sobbing and not sleeping for another day (RED FLAG, MOM, RED FLAG), before I called my own mom to ask her about motherhood/crying forcing me into the dark abyss of prescription drug abuse. She was sweet and didn’t tell me I was an idiot, but did suggest going to the doctor. Upset baby with a cold and ear pulling? Ashton.
Our doctor confirmed he not only had an ear infection (whoops, maybe I should erase the ear holding pics we thought were adorable), but also an eye infection on its way. Whoops again.
Second mom fail of the week was realizing the car seat straps are adjustable…after three months. They looked a little tight, and Gus hated car trips, but I’ve never used a car seat, so, safety first! Squish those arms in, Gus! It’s not like I read the entire instruction pamphlet beforehand. Did everyone else figure that out using common sense? I still have common sense, right? I felt so horrible, I even squeegeed out a few tears.
Sorry, baby love! The time you spend conducting New Parent Training will be compensated in your inheritance.