Top

Fluent in Blonde

Main navigation

/ Babies, Love, Mom Life, Pregnancy

My First Girls Weekend With Shayne + Newborn Photos

While I was visiting the hospital one night with Shayne’s “extended stay,” I held her teeny hand, a little wrinkled from her IV and tape that had just been removed. The same night, my mother in law was probably holding a different wrinkled hand in a different hospital as Brian’s cute grandpa passed away.

Brian took the boys on a quick road trip to Utah to be with family for his grandpa’s beautiful funeral service.

Go back, though.

Brian took a two and four year old on a road trip to Utah.

By himself.

He’s forever the better parent.

I’m so happy Brian was with his family. Shayne and I felt anxious about the boys leaving, and didn’t quite know what to do with ourselves for a while. I don’t like a quiet house when it comes down to it! (I even turned ESPN on for a while to make it sound more normal. Don’t tell Brian.)

Eventually, we discovered the awesomeness of our alone time. Our first girl’s weekend was spent catching up on sleep, going through an entire pack of Pampers, trying on all her bows, and having a fun newborn session with our friend Stephanie. Ill have to post more of Shayne’s room one day as it’s the only room in our house that I put much effort into decorating, but today the star of the show is this little Shaynie girl.

…who absolutely refused to sleep and miss a minute of her first photos! ♥


(My neck can’t quite turn in one direction because my shoulder is so cramped from never putting Shayne down this weekend, but can you blame me? Hahaha I’ve had SO much fun just snuggling!)

/ Babies, Family, Love, Mom Life, Parenting, Pregnancy

Baby Shayne Estelle

I always write down my babies’ birth stories in detail for my own record, but I’ll spare you all of that and give you a “for the blog” version.

My bonding experiences have been different with each of my three babies. This little girl stole our hearts from the get-go.

This beautiful (and after some rough deliveries, not all my newborns are for a bit haha) baby girl came into our lives on a unique day. I posted on Instagram that a little snow fell out when Heaven opened for our girl, and the whole city was excited the day she was born. Watching snow fall outside our hospital window (with a nice view of the roof) was never anything I’d imagined a Las Vegas birth to be like! It was kind of magical, and looked serene and quiet outside in the uncharacteristic weather.

My three kids all have very different demeanors right from birth, and hers is by far the most mellow. We, of course, don’t feel like we can say that out loud yet…but I’ll type it! I loved seeing Brian with her. Being an all-boy dad so far, I can already tell that the unwavering disciplinarian role Brian’s had with our boys is going to be adjusted, if existent. Shayne recognizes and responds to his voice more than anyone else’s, so dramatically that even in her sixth day of life, it’s very apparent. She knows her daddy.

I’d bet she’s getting a cool car.

A few hours after labor, we had my boys meet her with our friend Davis to record the whole thing. I was still in my L&D room and hadn’t yet moved to postpartum, and literally had a baby about four hours before, so I’m sure this will be a flattering documentation of after birth, but hey. I kind of love looking back on the real-life moments and can’t wait to watch it.

When my boys came to the hospital, Gus brought some presents: his old, worn blankie and not-so-gently-used baby hat. Gus was so proud. He’d forgotten the items, but my mom turned back around for him to grab “the presents.” Gus seemed to like Shayne, but even after a month of pretending to hold her and read her stories, wasn’t quite sure if his attention was best spent on the baby or hospital equipment. (He knew he wasn’t supposed to touch, but couldn’t help but limbo under a stethoscope so it was still touching him without him touch IT.)

Roscoe met her with a “BOOOOP!” pressing his finger on his nose. I’m sure there will be a lot of booping in Shayne’s future. I couldn’t believe how interested and sweet-talking Roscoe was! He was all about his baby “Dory.”

By the end of it all, I felt…like I look in these photos. Haha So happy, so swollen, so exhausted.

Even though I felt guilty, I stuck to my guns of going home well rested so I’d be a better, more fun mom…at least for the first few days. I sent her to the nursery for the night.

I felt awful about it for days, because that was the last time for another few days that I cuddled her without all her bionic baby wires attached.

(Ironically, I had pre-gamed this whole labor with a “do not neglect yourself” mindset. Some of the challenges in past deliveries stemmed from me not slowing down, which is just stupid, but, hello. Take it easy? That’s borderline laughable when you have other children at home.)

While in the nursery that night, she started vomiting substantially. She was sent to the NICU, and from experience with Gus, I was disappointed knowing, in the back of my mind, we’d be in there for at least an extra day for testing and bloodwork.

Shayne was X-rayed and tested for intestinal blockages and other things that may have contributed to vomiting.

She also had an infection, which the nurses told me probably came from hanging out low in the birth canal for a while after my water broke.

And, jaundice. Always jaundice. That always looks like a warm beach vacation, so that doesn’t stress me as much as feeding tubes and IVs with multiple ports and continual red flags the require more testing.


I’m absoluuuutely still bringing in her first bows!

I thought she looked so beautiful, fluorescent lights and all.

Our time in the NICU wasn’t too long, just about five days, and I knew she’d be fine. I told myself that repeatedly. Here’s where the struggle is for me, and it’s the same list as the first time we were there:

A. Leaving my baby. I was SO proud of myself for being very level-headed the first day or two. After that, I could feel this…wave. That’s the only way I know how to describe it. Do all new moms experience that? It’s exhaustion and emotion, all in one. I tried really hard to be logical.
B. Being logical. The NICU is a mind game for me, and postpartum women aren’t especially prime candidates for mind game domination. It’s fine. This is fine. I’m fine. The baby won’t remember this. It’s fine.
C. Not looking around. I struggled with the neighbor babies. I remembered this from being in there with Gus. It breaks a new mom heart to see the tiniest preemies, sad babies without many visitors, Pampers the size of your pinkie, babies in isolation rooms, or a Christmas stocking still left up on a crib.
D. Leaving my other kids. I have a physical pull in both directions. I am aching to be at the hospital with my new baby, but I’m also aching to be home with my other kids, doing normal things again, like reading them bedtime stories and “Dragons Love Tacos” for the three thousandth time. It’s an inevitable lose-lose, always feeling anxious about what I’m missing somewhere else.
E. Exhaustion. Remembering to eat. Sleeping when possible. Not walking all over. Remembering I had a baby 24 hours ago and the physical feat that my body just accomplished. Calm down, lady. (Because of the vomiting situation, we used exclusively breastmilk for the first bit. I had already been discharged, so I stayed at my parent’s house closer to the hospital. The first night was awful. I went in to feed her about every 3 hours, and my angel mom stayed with me past midnight, and even took milk in at 3:30AM so I could make one less trip.)

Like I said, our time in there felt plenty long, even though it was nothing terrible, and I cannot believe the nerves of steel that these long-term NICU moms have. When I say I actually cannot believe it, I mean that literally. That’s amazing. They are incredible. Thinking of that makes me want to cry.

Sweet baby Shayne is home now and we couldn’t be more thrilled.

Roscoe has surprised me with his baby obsession and high pitched “CUUUUTE!” while Gus has surprised me with being more quiet than usual and watching her from a distance. When she’s left alone, he’ll sit next to her and hold her hand or give her a “massage,” but he’s more of the whisperer and quiet little guy.

We’ve been beyond thankful for sweet friends and neighbors that have helped here and there with our kids, sending nice messages, and dropping off little treats or meals. In fact, I came home from the hospital late the other night and teared up to see a loaf of bread at my door. I didn’t realize how hungry i was and ate an entire half loaf! Ha I’ve made a mental note to be more like these friends. Instead of asking what I can do, I need to just do it. I felt a little embarrassed by how kind people were, and I would never ask for help, but when it came down to it…it REALLY saved my sanity.

We’re so thankful for all the love we’ve felt, and are so happy to have our little Shaynie right where I’ve dreamed of her being for months.

/ Babies, Mom Life, Pregnancy

I Think We’ll See You Soon, My Little Lemon Baby! ( Slash Kicking off the No-Sleep Early)

This isn’t a very well written post, but that’s probably because it’s currently 5AM.

I’ve been up for a good while, and have relocated to my couch. I’m writing this with glowing windows behind me, the way they do right before the sun rises.

My friend Kristin loves sunrises. I’m a sunset girl, but I guess I can appreciate the silence of early morning.

What the heck am I doing awake during some of my last days to sleep in? (Man, I’ll miss my sleep with kids that finally sleep in.) I’ve asked my body that same thing several times this last week.

Well.

First of all, I’m surprising myself by being borderline petrified of labor this time around. What’s wrong with me!? I’ve already done this twice! Pull yourself together, Ashton! Don’t lose precious sleep over…well, anything right now!

I’m also awake realizing that there are a certain order of events that occur that lead me to believe baby’s arrival is imminent, and I’ve checked them all off the last 24 hours.

It makes me so excited, I can’t sleep.
It makes me so panicked, I can’t sleep.

Twitter pated, terrified. Twitter pated, terrified.

First, of course, is a near exploding pelvis and stretched to the max body. There has been some audible popping going on the last week as I move.

Then, there’s this feeling.

It’s panic and peace, all in one.

The days start feeling…different.
That’s how I REALLY know that baby is close. Everything feels different, like the day before a big holiday, or the day you leave for vacation. It’s just a feel, you know? Excitement, the last minute, “Did I remember this?” The thrill of unknown and a little anxiety of the unknown. Adventure.

The air feels different. The day is different. Traffic feels different. Time both speeds up and slows down.

I start to feel very peaceful in between little flusters of anxiety.

I’m feeling all of it right now, which leads me to believe this will probably be my last post before baby arrives.

I don’t love the postpartum hospital stay, but labor is my absolute favorite. That’s one aspect of pregnancy I genuinely am disappointed my husband can’t experience. I love the quiet hospital room, with a constant little heart beat on the monitor. It feels like the first verse of “Silent Night.” It’s a little heart breaking that I only have a few times in my life that I get to experience that tiny window of Heaven.

I can hardly wait to hold a newborn. There is nothing better than that too-short, little tucked-up legs stage. I can’t wait hear the baby squeaky sounds, give her a bath, and most of all, watch my three boys with her.

I am terrified of the delivery this time. Ive never been worried about that before. Did I freak myself out overthinking my last post? Maybe it’s because I have a new doctor, or because I am older and realize how many complications are looming. Isn’t it miraculous when everything goes RIGHT?

I’m worried about not being able to do it all. I already said bye to Brian last night. Haha? I know the next couple months will bring a roller coaster of emotions. Sorry. I know the euphoria, followed by a deep drop off from exhaustion when the adrenaline runs out. I have the most doting husband, who doubles as a hands on dad, chef, and cleaner, but I just don’t like him for a couple months after I have babies! Ha There is something about dragging myself in and out of bed and seeing him sleeping in the same spot that just really makes me dislike him.

I know I’m nursing, but that fact really fans some hormonal “you bother me” flames. Sorry, babe!

However, I’m so happy he’ll be functioning for my boys.

Oh, and my sweet baby boys!! I pray more than anything that this baby will be a sleeper just to still be a nice, patient mom to my guys. A two and four year old need a fun mom ready to answer a LOT of random questions, chase all the balls rolling down the gutter, take them to parks and play with them. Please let me still be a good mom.

I need a good caffeine connect.

After over a year of praying for you, we are very anxiously waiting you’re arrival. All signs point to seeing you soon, baby girl!

/ Babies, Mom Life, Pregnancy

What’s In My Hospital Bag & Why I’m Packing Differently For My Third Baby

39 weeks and 2 days! (And no bedding because I’m attempting laundry !)

I don’t know, guys.

I’m getting more nervous for this baby’s delivery than I have with my other two. A large part of that is because I REALLY hate hospitals.

I’m out of there as fast as possible. I have SEVERAL (like, maybe 40% of my) friends that enjoy their stay and treat it like a vacation with their husband.

I wish I had that mentality.

I’d like to think of it as a break. A nice little vacation, or a relaxing spa day, but AINT NO ONE SEEN gargantuan disposable pads and underwear at a spa!

Oh, wait, okay. I’ll try again.

I just want to be home SO badly. Maybe it’s because both my babies have been delivered after long night labors. (ie Up all day with my normal routine on a Monday, labor all night, up all day again with paperwork/visitors/baby on Tuesday, and head into newborn-mode on that exhausted note.)

Maybe it’s the new mom hormones.

Maybe I need some Xanax.

Or, MAYBE, I’m preparing all wrong!

After having two babies, I’ve realized where I’ve erred in my preparation: I don’t pack for myself, because, duh. I’m in baby mode! What kind of selfish mom would think of anyone but the new baby!? It’s all consuming.

So much so that I don’t take advantage of sleeping opportunities because hospital beds are the worst, fret over my new baby, worry about my kids at home, forget to eat, send my husband home so one of us can be rested, stress about doctor’s appointments, baby’s poo schedule (where’s that meconium?), breathing… you know. New mom stuff.

Plus, I’m always sick for about a day after birth, still throwing up with a little fever in postpartum.

Oh, right.

Spaaaaa daaaaay, remember? Spaaa daaaay, with paaaads.

And stiiiiiiiitches.

Sooooothing.

In addition to new baby supplies (and the usual items), here’s what I’m adding into my hospital bag for ME to better enjoy all of the fluorescent lit, brand new baby snuggles before I can sign my huge bill and break out of there with my thousand dollar, hospital logo plastic cup–

New jammies. I splurge on these because they’re my favorite (and the hospital is going to take the rest of my money anyway, so I factor it into my pre-deductible labor fees). They’re SO soft and lightweight, and I love the bottom top for nighttime feeding. Victoria’s Secret has some online that I like, but I’ve also linked some that are essentially identical with a better price tag.

New sweats. My friend Timian got me some comfy bottoms and I love them. My ideal “sweats/comfy pant” candidate is not too tight, not too loose, and socially acceptable should Ileave the house in them.

Bralettes. In addition to something more supportive, I wanted a flexible, less constricting bralette, just to be comfortable. TMI? I’ll let you know how it goes.

A Magazine. I’m trying really hard to enjoy my stay here, so it sounds extra sweet to pass the time snuggling a fresh baby and catch up on Meghan and Harry’s wedding.

My most favorite lip balm ever. Is it because I have an oxygen mask on that my lips are SO chapped? Does everyone have weird skin after babies, or is this a personal issue? Ha This is my all time favorite, and I have a fresh tube. C.O. Bigelow always does the trick.

My favorite tinted moisturizer. Again, a skin issue. I love Laura Mercier’s tinted moisturizer. It’s like your own skin, but not as…sad.

Food. I usually have a little something in my purse, but this time, I mean, I’m bringing a SPREAD. Snacks on snacks! I mentioned above that I’m still sick for a day, but I’m hoping that consciously making an effort to eat will get my energy levels way higher than they’ve been after past deliveries. Amongst the options in my bag are a few Kind Bars, my favorite Special K bars, a protein shake…and Trader Joes chocolate pb cups, just because.

Sleep mask. I brought this last delivery, and it made a HUGE difference being able to fall back to sleep while nurses were in and out. I’m sure I looked like a chunky sleeping diva, but get out of here, blinking lights. I still had my brand new baby yelling in my room all night, but it was a solid effort. (I’m 1:1 with yelling newborns.)

My own pillow. Planning on tossing the actual pillow after I’m there, but I love having a little comfort of home.

What is NOT in my bag that I always pack: a razor. GET REAL.

I’m still hoping for a quick stay, but I’m trying to remember I only have about a day in the hospital, it would be time wisely used to allow myself to heal as much as possible, and that my own well-being is crucial to my family’s functionality.

And sanity, probably.

/ Babies, Mom Life, Parenting, Pregnancy

Less Than a Week Until Baby Sister Arrives!

Every time I open my computer and start writing, I either get side tracked with baby to-do list items (there are so many more bullet points listed than I ever thought would be necessary be with a third), or start combatting heavy eyelids, which just can’t happen right before preschool pickup.

Orrrr it gets suspiciously quiet, like right now.

With two little boys, silence means something sneaky is definitely happening.

A fire was lit under said to-do list after a false alarm a week or so ago.

I make a visit to triage prematurely with every baby. It’s tradition.

After waking up several times one night, I suddenly panicked. In the spirit of tradition, I pulled Gus and Roscoe out of bed, and headed to the hospital. Roscoe was at the beginning of an ear infection (rough night for that poor buddy), and Gus was bright eyed and bushy tailed the whole ride to the hospital, with plenty of questions and comments.

“Little sister is coming tonight? IS JESUS COMING?”
“Is she crawling out? Right now? Crawling out of you?”
“So how does she get out of your tummy?”

(I also hadn’t realized he’d never seen a sunrise, and was later confused but eager to tell me how it was night, and then it was day!)

Baby sister better have some answers ready upon arrival.

From Heaven’s exact location to why she has no teeth, she’ll have the full attention of her brothers seeking official statements.

We’re less than a week on the countdown, and that thought’s given me some nervous (swollen) fingers (with my ring from The Rack)!

This week, we’ve been:

-saved by Brian, who works hard, and then comes home and works hard. Cleaning, laundry, dishes…they’re all Brian right now.
-waiting impatiently for front row parking. I’ve snuck into handicap a couple times because LOOK AT ME. MY PELVIS WILL EXPLODE.
-test driving cars as we prepare for something larger. I could write a complete post on that.
-not making any of the freezer meals I was so inspired to make by my friend Rachel. I figure Costco has a solid frozen section, right? I’ll throw in some organic apples.
-going out for Valentine’s Day. We had THE best day. Kids make everything a million times more exciting, especially holidays! Brian and I enjoyed a rare night out.
-watching Olympics. Gus and Roscoe worked on their figure skating jumps and luge form.
-talking to baby sister. “You can come out now!” and a whisper-shouted, “BE BRAVE!” to my tummy were my favorites.
-pretending to be babies. My boys take turns lying in her little rocker pretending to cry and change each other’s diapers. It’s endearingly weird and just awesome. I’m excited to see how they’ll handle the real deal! I hope they’re still eager to wipe!
-fretting about entertaining my guys while keeping them happy and well adjusted when I’m exhausted and in baby fog.

Speaking of entertainment, I had to check on the too-quiet situation at hand. Gus and Roscoe are decorating the family room with puffy, Valentine heart stickers. They’re proud, but some peeling awaits. We’re out of remover from the time they decorated baby sister’s room with calendar stickers, and Martin Luther King, Jr was especially difficult to get off the dresser.

Stickers will not be in the new baby entertainment rotation.

/ Babies, Mom Life, Parenting, Pregnancy

A Letter to My Daughter

My Little Girl,

We are getting anxious for your arrival. I know you’ll be joining our family soon, purely based on my polar opposite emotions: sudden, irrational worrying about really stupid things, followed by an overwhelming desire to lie down and not care, and back to the panicked feeling of unpreparedness that impairs my ability to just lie down…all during the consumption of just one Tums.

Your room is coming together (I hope you like pink). Your new clothes are sorted and hanging (I really hope you like pink). It’s not until I sit in your room at night, sore and excited, and take in the unfamiliar, feminine décor that I semi-absorb that I’m having a daughter.

It’s intimidating. I don’t know how to have a daughter.

I do know how to catch bugs, and I can handle a little blood and swollen lips. I’m great at alternating between being the policeman and the “bad guy.” I LOVE all of that stuff.

Are you going to love garbage day like we do? It’s kind of a thing here at our house.
Are you going to be my friend?

I DO know you’ll be loved…and doted on, and smothered. Your daddy is about to experience a complete axis shift in his world, and a whole new love. You’ll be very, very entertained by your brothers, who are undoubtedly going to be very, very hands on.

As I rock in your quiet, new room and make a to-do list in my head, I find myself wondering what you’re like. I wonder if you’re a little nervous, too. Are you already aware that I don’t quite know what I’m doing with this mom thing? Do you feel all my worries the way I feel your kicks? (And, wow…you can pack a punch way better than your brothers could.) Can you hear the frustration that seeps into my voice around 4PM? Do you know how much I hope we are friends, yet still want to help mold you into a great human? Is that an either/or thing? I hope you know how much I love being a mom. I hope you know I love my babies. I hope lots. As I sat in your room last night, I was flooded with late night “I hope you knows.” No matter what life has in store for us, I hope you always know these things. You know, girl to girl:

Life should be fun.

This life is sprinkled with magical moments. It’s hard…an understatement. There is heartbreak and darkness, but there is always, always a rainbow. Don’t ever forget to look for the rainbows. Seek out the magic.

Don’t ever settle.

Laugh, especially at yourself.

Kindness is never weakness. You’ll find the most strength, meaningful friendships, and confidence in kindness. Be nice.

Don’t worry too much.

There is a God. There are miracles.

It’s fine to spend time on your physical appearance! Do what makes you feel pretty, but remember, physical beauty is fleeting glitter. Your heart is valuable gold.

Chase your dreams. Dreams come true.

Money is best spent on making memories.

Are you ready for this? “You’re not a princess,” something my dad lovingly reassured me of several times, and I remember rolling my eyes but smiling (and my mom “Larry!”-ing it). Haha! As it turns out, that was one of the most influential pieces of advice I’ve ever received. Don’t act entitled, be humble, and work hard.
(He’s also always been the biggest cheerleader of independence, supporter of dreams and education, and the first to tell me he’s proud.)

Slow down.

There is nothing more attractive than a smile.

Strength, courage, and confidence don’t have to be blaring. Not everyone loves chihuahuas.

I can already feel you have some fight in you. You’re a strong girl, who has already endured several accidental bumps and elbowing from brothers, and pushes right back. Good! That makes me proud, and a little nervous! (Not to mention the sore middleman.) You’ll need some spunk in this world. Still, control it. Keep the safety on, you know what I mean? Hone it until it is refined and unpretentious, and you won’t be underestimated.

Be thankful.

Love.

…and have kids. They’ll teach you everything else that I can’t.

That’s why you’re joining our family, right? I’m sure you’ll come straight from Heaven with your own list of things to teach me.

I’m a little nervous, but I think you’ll really like it here.

Can’t wait to meet you and introduce you to your brothers…or have we all already met?

Love,
Your Mommy

PS You still don’t have a name, but I DO have your first bows all picked out for the hospital. (They’re pink.)

Join the Tribe