Gus and I spend a good number of midnight/early morning hours together. Generally, the nightly feeding routine goes like this:
- Make my way through a binky landmine to grab him out of his crib.
- Plop on the couch.
- Flip through TV…if I remembered to put on my glasses.
With late night TV being dominated by WEN Hair and Jillian Michaels infomercials (I’ve already watched them all 3x), there isn’t a lot of competition for my DVR.
The other night, I was disappointed to see most of my Fresh Prince episodes had been deleted, so I only had a couple of options. Doughnut Showdown only lasted about ten minutes before I had to avert my eyes from a doughnut murdered by reckless additions of fresh herbs. Every time healthy ingredients are added to doughnuts, an angel loses its…mind.
That left me with a couple hours of The Bachelor. Gus and I aren’t that into Juan Pablo this season, but we can’t be too picky between 2-6AM. (Why hasn’t my best friend Emily Maynard reappeared? She is the perfect match for Juan Pablo/everyone everywhere ever.)
I’m worried Gus’s unconscious stored these facts away for later use as he drifted back to sleep:
- Don’t date girls who will not washing-machine-tongue you on a first date.
- If no classical music starts playing during your conversation, it’s a trusty indicator that the relationship will not be progressing.
- A woman’s unwillingness to jump of bridges, buildings, or other high objects is a demonstration of her trust issues; therefore, she can’t be dated. No washing-machine-tongue for her.
- Chronically naked/drunk girls will never be marriage material, but better to keep them around longer than the shy girls and non-jumpers.
- A “group date” consists of one guy and at least 5 girls. Fortunately for The Bachelor, Hugh Hefner didn’t get his patent on that definition in time.
- All girls are insane.
I’m going to work hard to correct this before kindergarten.