This isn’t a very well written post, but that’s probably because it’s currently 5AM.
I’ve been up for a good while, and have relocated to my couch. I’m writing this with glowing windows behind me, the way they do right before the sun rises.
My friend Kristin loves sunrises. I’m a sunset girl, but I guess I can appreciate the silence of early morning.
What the heck am I doing awake during some of my last days to sleep in? (Man, I’ll miss my sleep with kids that finally sleep in.) I’ve asked my body that same thing several times this last week.
First of all, I’m surprising myself by being borderline petrified of labor this time around. What’s wrong with me!? I’ve already done this twice! Pull yourself together, Ashton! Don’t lose precious sleep over…well, anything right now!
I’m also awake realizing that there are a certain order of events that occur that lead me to believe baby’s arrival is imminent, and I’ve checked them all off the last 24 hours.
It makes me so excited, I can’t sleep.
It makes me so panicked, I can’t sleep.
Twitter pated, terrified. Twitter pated, terrified.
First, of course, is a near exploding pelvis and stretched to the max body. There has been some audible popping going on the last week as I move.
Then, there’s this feeling.
It’s panic and peace, all in one.
The days start feeling…different.
That’s how I REALLY know that baby is close. Everything feels different, like the day before a big holiday, or the day you leave for vacation. It’s just a feel, you know? Excitement, the last minute, “Did I remember this?” The thrill of unknown and a little anxiety of the unknown. Adventure.
The air feels different. The day is different. Traffic feels different. Time both speeds up and slows down.
I start to feel very peaceful in between little flusters of anxiety.
I’m feeling all of it right now, which leads me to believe this will probably be my last post before baby arrives.
I don’t love the postpartum hospital stay, but labor is my absolute favorite. That’s one aspect of pregnancy I genuinely am disappointed my husband can’t experience. I love the quiet hospital room, with a constant little heart beat on the monitor. It feels like the first verse of “Silent Night.” It’s a little heart breaking that I only have a few times in my life that I get to experience that tiny window of Heaven.
I can hardly wait to hold a newborn. There is nothing better than that too-short, little tucked-up legs stage. I can’t wait hear the baby squeaky sounds, give her a bath, and most of all, watch my three boys with her.
I am terrified of the delivery this time. Ive never been worried about that before. Did I freak myself out overthinking my last post? Maybe it’s because I have a new doctor, or because I am older and realize how many complications are looming. Isn’t it miraculous when everything goes RIGHT?
I’m worried about not being able to do it all. I already said bye to Brian last night. Haha? I know the next couple months will bring a roller coaster of emotions. Sorry. I know the euphoria, followed by a deep drop off from exhaustion when the adrenaline runs out. I have the most doting husband, who doubles as a hands on dad, chef, and cleaner, but I just don’t like him for a couple months after I have babies! Ha There is something about dragging myself in and out of bed and seeing him sleeping in the same spot that just really makes me dislike him.
I know I’m nursing, but that fact really fans some hormonal “you bother me” flames. Sorry, babe!
However, I’m so happy he’ll be functioning for my boys.
Oh, and my sweet baby boys!! I pray more than anything that this baby will be a sleeper just to still be a nice, patient mom to my guys. A two and four year old need a fun mom ready to answer a LOT of random questions, chase all the balls rolling down the gutter, take them to parks and play with them. Please let me still be a good mom.
I need a good caffeine connect.