37 Week Guilt

I have made it to the last few weeks of pregnancy and am feeling that skeletal discomfort and creakiness that can only come from being pregnant or 97. My pelvis screams at me every time I get out of bed in the morning, in a pitch I know dogs can hear, because our neighbor’s Chihuahua responds every time. That Chihuahua.

Today, I had a doctor’s appointment and was surprised to learn I am dilated more than I had anticipated. That reminded me that I’m having a baby, really soon. Possibly sooner than I am ready for. I was so excited, until I went to pre-register at the hospital and realized the last time I walked up those stairs was when I had Gus. How could I be betraying him? Where has the time gone? I was teary through all the paperwork and then sobbed the whole way home.

I have everything I need for this baby, but the past few months have been such a whirlwind of life events that I don’t think I’ve absorbed this all emotionally. What if this baby isn’t friends with Gus? How can I love him like I love Gus? Will Gus feel sad? What if this new baby is mean? What if he isn’t as funny? What if he doesn’t love shrimp? I love shrimp. Gus eats shrimp.

Even stupid things concern me.

How can I truly enjoy someone else, much less, love them, when they’re taking up my precious Gus-time?

Although I have a feeling Gus is about to meet his life long best friend, I’m still waiting and hoping things inside my heart fall into place soon.

Persuading the baby to like the beach...but what if he doesn't? How terrible.
Persuading the baby to like the beach…but what if he doesn’t? How terrible.

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