Well, here I am. THIRTY. Since I am saving speaking in parables for my 40th birthday, here are some bullet pointed little nuggets of wisdom for my “What I Learned in my 20’s” chapter of my pamphlet. (See end for pamphlet details.)
After changing diapers in airport lavatories, I’ve realized the likelihood of The Mile High Club existing on commercial airlines is doubtful at best. Unless we’re talking about underweight contortionists, there’s just not much room, and personally? I wouldn’t want to miss the peanut handout.
Flip phones are indestructible.
After being the ring leader of all boy bashing for several years, I was put in my place when I became a mother of boys. Boys, actually, are not stupid, or weird. Girls, actually, are emotionally charged, and can get a little crazy.
If you choose to wear a bikini to a waterpark, odds are good that everyone around you will get only a slightly more conservative view than the one you give your gynecologist.
I am not the only person that can care for my children.
Hold on to your best friends. They’re hard to find.
Although lack of sleep can really mess with your brain, and has been used as a form of torture during wars, you cannot die from no sleep. There were no recorded deaths at the time of my last baby, anyway, when I Googled it to check. (I was relieved to put my will on hold.)
Dinner tastes better when you don’t have to look at a dirty kitchen.
In case you’re interested in dabbling in online identity or banking theft, I’ve discovered most people have the same password to everything. There is a good chance that password is related to a dog they’ve loved. I’m not sure why I know this or why I’m sharing it…
I’m not the only person in the world that secretly likes Filet O Fish. (Stop making that face.)
The Kardashians are taking over the world, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.
Self consciousness should be a worry of the past. Do you think anyone is even looking up from their phone? No one will even notice that your eyeballs are imploding while they are checking their Fantasy rosters and taking selfies with the dog Snapchat filter.
You generally get what you pay for…but I still heart Marshall’s.
Marry your very best buddy to make life a million times easier.
No one ever feels older than about 24.
Seek out adventures.
Speeding in a construction zone is going to be expensive, and may be a misdemeanor. That’s how Missy came to be Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott, I believe. Just flew right through the orange cones.
Vacations are worth the money for a dozen reasons.
Sometimes life’s biggest decisions are the easiest to make.
Hell will freeze over before Anderson Cooper ages.
Don’t check your bank account before bed.
Laughing at yourself is crucial to survival in general.
Lipstick is like caffeine for your face.
Peanut butter makes you fat. I also learned most people knew that before their twenties.
If you work really hard, and are nice, you’ll be okay.
College is the best.
Babies are the other best.
Pouring money into your car is a waste of money, unless you’re peacock-ing.
You’ll rarely be happier than when you make someone else happy.
I spent an entire semester discussing Aristotle, who claimed the greatest good man can achieve is happiness. For some reason, I think of that often. If that’s truly the root of goodness, do what makes you happy. Are you happy?
Seeing your first baby smile at you for the first time will change your whole life and all your priorities. That’s what I think the greatest good is, Aristotle.
This world is scary, but it’s still full of nice people.
I can only stress about what I can control.
Contrary to everything I had been told, being a parent is so, so, so fun. I wish I’d had kids earlier.
(I’m considering making a list of things I’ve learned for every decade of my life, and publishing little pamphlets in sixty years for my funeral party favors. I plan to use my children’s inheritance to splurge for hardcovers. If you want to add your own bits of wisdom in the comments, I’ll make sure to quote you for my posterity.)
As always, if you feel inclined to share, please do!