How Do I Apply for Shark Tank?

I’ve been double stroller shopping. I know, I’m being an 11th hour person here, but those are overwhelming and expensive. I purchased a car with less anxiety. I finally found a stroller I like, but not without wondering why other attachments and mom gear have not been invented:

Mini-TV Stroller Attachment: Just a little TV popping out of the stroller bars, roughly the size of a phone, wifi preferred but not necessary. Great for the “go to sleep, child” walks. Some people might argue that this stroller feature could be replaced by an iPhone, but those people must be men without children. Any experienced parent knows smart phones are a source of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse held only by sticky apple juice fingers.

Happy Mom Backpack
: Like a camopack, but cute. Fill with Red Bull. VIOLA! Happy.

The Stocked Rocker
: A rocking chair that reclines, has a footrest, and contains an ice cream maker inside. Homemade ice cream just churning inside with each rock! What a treat after a long night up with baby, just in time for 4AM Fresh Prince. Ultimately, I would like this chair to be cordless, but I don’t have the technological ingenuity to figure that out, because I’m American and don’t have a drop of genius Asian blood in me.

Timed Ambien
: A three hour dose. A five hour dose. An eight hour dose. There will be different options for different babies’ feeding needs. Is Mom dead? No! She took her Timed Ambien, so she won’t wake to any unmerited crying dragging her out of bed by her heart strings! This will solve the age old problem of no empathy from well rested men.

Will someone fund me?

My only investor so far. He's got change burning a hole in that piggy.
My only investor so far. He’s got change burning a hole in that piggy.
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37 Week Guilt

I have made it to the last few weeks of pregnancy and am feeling that skeletal discomfort and creakiness that can only come from being pregnant or 97. My pelvis screams at me every time I get out of bed in the morning, in a pitch I know dogs can hear, because our neighbor’s Chihuahua responds every time. That Chihuahua.

Today, I had a doctor’s appointment and was surprised to learn I am dilated more than I had anticipated. That reminded me that I’m having a baby, really soon. Possibly sooner than I am ready for. I was so excited, until I went to pre-register at the hospital and realized the last time I walked up those stairs was when I had Gus. How could I be betraying him? Where has the time gone? I was teary through all the paperwork and then sobbed the whole way home.

I have everything I need for this baby, but the past few months have been such a whirlwind of life events that I don’t think I’ve absorbed this all emotionally. What if this baby isn’t friends with Gus? How can I love him like I love Gus? Will Gus feel sad? What if this new baby is mean? What if he isn’t as funny? What if he doesn’t love shrimp? I love shrimp. Gus eats shrimp.

Even stupid things concern me.

How can I truly enjoy someone else, much less, love them, when they’re taking up my precious Gus-time?

Although I have a feeling Gus is about to meet his life long best friend, I’m still waiting and hoping things inside my heart fall into place soon.

Persuading the baby to like the beach...but what if he doesn't? How terrible.
Persuading the baby to like the beach…but what if he doesn’t? How terrible.
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