Reincarnation as a Children’s Toy > Hell, Pretty Sure

Gus is the owner of the popular baby toy, Sophie the French Giraffe. Oui oui. He isn’t that loyal to her these days, but she continually makes her appearances.

Judging from a few recent pictures, I think she hates us.

Is she flipping us off?
Is she flipping us off?

Presumable recent diary entries of Sophie:

December 15, 2013: Introduced to my bebe. His grip is getting tighter. I find my head in his mouth often. No teeth yet, but occasional carpet lint.

January 22, 2014: Grip is getting suffocating.

February 12, 2014: Today, I flung myself from the stroller on grounds of running away. Suicidal thoughts? Debatable. My disappearance would have gone unnoticed if I hadn’t squeaked as I was being run over twice, by both front and back stroller wheels. I lost a piece of my ear in the traction.

March 2, 2014: I was a bath time participant against my will. My squeaker is damaged. Now I can only qualify as a “C” grade item on eBay, so shipping myself off has been crossed off my escape options.

March 30, 2014: Second attempt at a stroller jump. The neighbor’s dachshund ate my head.

April 28, 2014: My captor towed me to a doctor’s appointment. I saw another Sophie. She signaled distress with Dum Dum flares. Glad to know I’m not alone.

May 8, 2014: Riding to the grocery store, I witnessed a wide-eyed, In n Out stickered Barbie spiked down from a Denali window at a four way stop. I am feeling blessed today.

June 27, 2014: My face was an unfortunate substitute for a hammer when a need to clobber the street arose. Now I have a mustache, yet I am a woman. I have been mistaken twice for the Burger King cashier.
sophie

Sophie had been missing since around July, and I just found her. I think I understand why. She has sympathetically been placed at the bottom of Gus’s toy bin, but he has happily retrieved her…and possibly just in time for teething. I hope she doesn’t turn into Chuckie.

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When Wedges Betray You (A Dark, Dark Tale)

Last week, I fell down at work.

I described it to my friends as an almost horizontal fall, with which I’m sure you are familiar from Wipe Out. It was like a slow motion fall, where your brain has time to flash “Matay!” and tries to jump out of your body.

I think Natalie Imbruglia “Torn” started playing, as I was cold and afraid and lying unnaked on the salon floor.

People nearby were very concerned. Thank you, everyone. Thank you especially to the man that ran to me before I had even hit the ground. Sometimes, you just tip over when walking, you know? No passing out, no explanation, other than, “I thought I would give my flats a break for the first time in months.”

This was little spill was upsetting, because I used to always wear tall heels and make fun shoe selections without jeopardizing my life. Now, more than a few inches, and I can’t hang. Don’t you see the symbolism in it all?!

It was representative as a fall from my youth.
A fall from coolness.
A fall from femininity.
A fall from overall bad-a-ness.

Now, I’m just a plain old, basic mom…just an elderly, decrepit mom, who will probably be a candidate for a hip replacement by 39.

Now that I have left my coolness in a higher atmosphere, I’m going to be doing more ordinary mom things. I’m going to start listening to Delilah. I’m going to figure out Pinterest and spend my evenings looking up homemade roll recipes. I’m going to go to the Old Navy flip flop sale. I’m going to only wear mascara on one eye occasionally, because sometimes moms forget the other eye, because they are moms.

Death row, apparently.
Death row, apparently.

I’m thinking about a ceremonial retiring of my sequin, past-life-Neiman Marcus sale “the fall wedges” by hanging them my closet like arenas do with jerseys.

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What Level of Personal Grooming Do Wedding Anniversaries Require?

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Are you supposed to treat wedding anniversaries like they’re your own special day, like a birthday, or your significant other’s special day? In my books, MY special day means I’m wearing stretchy clothes and 3rd day dry-shampoo hair. Brian’s special day means I at least clean the house, or put on perfume.

I’ve had a laundry debacle for some time, and I considered delving into this laundry pile to be a nice wife on our anniversary. This pile of laundry will be here eternally, unless I burn it. I found a dead bug in it, and it was rather gigantic. And crispy. Brian said he took care of the bug, but you and I both know there are probably still some appendages floating around in there. I just can’t.

laundry pile

Like I said, it’s my day too, right? Let’s agree that means I can’t sift through the haunted laundry.

I truly feel so blessed to have Brian to be my best buddy throughout life. I never knew how sincerely LUCKY I was when I married him. I know he was great, and extremely attractive, but I never knew just how great or how attractive he really is until life’s bumps came along. He is the sweetest, most patient, selfless guy I know. He works so hard, and so willingly. Everyone needs a Brian, a person that supports them incessantly, wants to take care of all their needs, and makes them laugh though the sticky parts of life.

Although I’ve known this for years, I’ve fallen even more in love as I watch Brian become such an involved and gentle dad. Hearing him talk so sweetly to Gus brings me to tears. He and Gus both light up when they see each other. You become immune to the dark, scary things of the world when your home is so full of love. I’m so grateful Brian brings that kind of peaceful love to our family.

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I like how angelic Brain looks here. Cue "Halo."
I like how angelic Brain looks here. Cue “Halo.”

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That’s how I know I got a good one.

Kind of makes me want to do laundry.

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Family Vacation Stipulations

There are certain stipulations to family vacations. Specific events have to occur, or you’re not actually on a family vacation…you’re just daydreaming at a stoplight.

Requirements vary from family to family. Let’s compare notes. These are ours:

1. Someone will get sick.
2. We will get lost. Whether that’s because of bad directions, not making a mental note of surroundings, or Siri being a b-word and demanding 5 U-turns, we will get lost.
3. Someone (age 18+) will spill their entire drink all over the table at a nice restaurant.
4. Baggage will be lost every third trip. Southwest Airlines, hollaaa!

We once ended up on the airport runway in Madrid after being given these directions.
We once ended up on the airport runway in Madrid after being given these directions.

I hope some of these sound familiar to you.

Brian and I decided to YOLO and took a somewhat unplanned trip back to California to barge in on my parent’s timeshare. This particular instance, fate had us forgo #2-#4, so option #1 was full throttle.

Gus got a stomach bug, but was excited to hang out all night, just like the good ol’ days.

Brian caught an alien mutation of that “bug,” and ended up in the hospital getting fluid IVs and oxygen.

We also received a call from a neighbor, informing us of water gushing out of our garage. He so kindly turned off our water, so upon returning, we solved the mystery of the cracked water softener and moldy garage items.

I hope the neighbor kids at least enjoyed a driveway Slip n Slide on us.

Anyway.

Regardless of all the rest of the vacation norms, how can you not enjoy the beach?

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Orange cupcake, a Sprinkles Tuesday exclusive. I even splurged for a baby guy for Gus to try...
Orange cupcake, a Sprinkles Tuesday exclusive. I even splurged for a baby guy for Gus to try…
Gus thoroughly enjoyed his own mini cupcake and helped himself to the rest. He's a sneaky one.
Gus thoroughly enjoyed his own mini cupcake and helped himself to the rest. He’s a sneaky one.
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Gus couldn't understand why our empty toilet paper roll suspicions were directed at him.
Gus couldn’t understand why our empty toilet paper roll suspicions were directed at him.
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Lurking around the harbor, plotting how to get an invitation to a boat without Groupon.
Lurking around the harbor, plotting how to get an invitation to a boat without Groupon.
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